


only forwards never backwards

by Ravenna_5014



Series: Star Wars Stories [2]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Affection, CT-7567 | Rex Needs a Hug, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt CT-7567 | Rex, Hurt/mild comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29227026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenna_5014/pseuds/Ravenna_5014
Summary: There is something different about Rex too. Something broken, out of place in a trooper, more so in a captain.Trigger Warning: read the tags, please!
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & CT-7567 | Rex
Series: Star Wars Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2146023
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	only forwards never backwards

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Lied](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26785837) by [RobinPlaysTrumpet15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinPlaysTrumpet15/pseuds/RobinPlaysTrumpet15). 



> TW: depression, low mental state, suicidal thoughts (the character doesn't act on them but they are described).  
> Please, do not read this if you don't feel well. The warnings are there for a reason. It's mostly emotional hurt, with a small dose of comfort. If you need somebody to talk to, my inbox is open.
> 
> I wrote this impulsively and wondered whether to post it at all. But then, not all emotions are pretty and this is what makes us human.

Rex stares at the bland ceiling above him and tells his body to move. There is a meeting he needs to – wants to – attend. An informal one, with his _vode._ It is rare for them to be able to meet in person, so they take advantage of every opportunity to do so. The lull in battles drew the Jedi Generals to Coruscant Temple, their home, and some of their squads came with them. They managed to find a time that roughly suited them all, cashing in favours and exchanging shifts. Cody was the only one that got called on a sudden mission this morning and would leave in several hours. Thire, Fox and Ponds are all here. It should push him into action. The anticipation made him excited and yesterday he managed to do several additional tasks in an attempt to burn out the excess energy. It feels like he burned a tad too much since he can’t get out of the bed no matter how much he wants to. 

“I’m alright,” he says but even to his ears it sounds unconvincing. Basing on the look Cody levels on him, he doesn’t believe him either.

“Don’t give me that pile of bantha shit, _vod_.”

Rex wants to reassure his brother it will be better because in the end there _are_ periods when it is, but in this very moment the words get stuck in his throat.

“I need to fill out the forms,” he says instead. What he needs to do is get his _shebs_ to the meeting. 

“You filled three in the four hours you have been hiding there,” Cody says and his tone is almost gentle. Rex would sigh if he had enough energy to spare. The mattress dips when Cody carefully sits on the edge of the bunk. “I’ll bring them to Beam, he’ll be happy to help.”

Rex wants to protest. He’s the Captain, he can’t delegate his duties to someone else, no matter how eager they are to prove themselves. That’s an abuse of authority.

“Let us help,” the words are soft, just like the hand that cradles the back of his head. Rex leans into the touch, hates himself for it as he rolls over to wrap an arm around Cody’s middle. He thinks about the sheets of text written in the smallest font possible, rereading the same passage for the umpteenth time when the words don’t make sense and… concedes. Beam is thorough with his assignments and there’s no sensitive data in the documents to be worried about.

“ _Vor entye_ ,” he manages to get out and pushes himself away, gritting his teeth at the loss of contact. Cody needs to leave, to take care of his own squad, to prepare for the upcoming mission. He wraps the blanket more tightly around himself, trying to ignore the burning wave of guilt and shame. Something must show on his face because Cody takes one look at him and practically throws himself on top of Rex, tangling their legs and pressing their foreheads together.

"Don't you ever feel like you have to apologise for this," he whispers, tightening his grip. Rex nods and rests his head in the crook of Cody's neck, the warmth radiating from his body anchoring him in the present. 

He feels like crying, yet the tears don’t come. If the Kaminoans could see him right now, he would be decommissioned in a matter of seconds. It should serve as a motivation to get up, to prove his worth – his team is on leave, but there are always drills to work on or new strategies to plan. Instead, the though leaves him oddly numb, muddled brain pushing forward an image of his batch-mate failing to keep his cool during one of many assignments. Looking back, it was a major panic attack of a child too terrified to move in the rain of bullets, visions of death playing right in front of him. They didn’t understand it then. Good soldiers follow orders and the orders were to get across the battlefield. So, they did. Quick and efficient. Or as efficient as a group of cadets could be, anyway. All but one. Kaminoans took him aside and while the word ‘defective’ was never spoken aloud, the brother didn’t return. 

There is something different about Rex too. Something broken, out of place in a trooper, more so in a captain. He pushes it aside for as long as he can, the adrenaline from the battles keeping him afloat. But there are days when the low hits and he can’t find the energy to get up from his bunk, to lead his brothers into the war they were bred for and will take their lives. There are days when all he can think of are murky waters of Kamino’s oceans, waves crashing against the shore as the storm keeps raging on. Rex sees himself walking on the pier, freezing wind whipping into his face as he kneels by the edge. He never jumps. Part of him wants to, imagines the shock of ice-cold water as he slips into the darkness, water filling his lungs. Part of him knows that in the same moment he will do everything to survive, primal instincts kicking in, trying to breach the surface, fighting for the oxygen. He wouldn’t manage, not against erratic tides, not with the armour weighing him down. 

Sometimes it feels like falling. The world crumbles, slips from his fingers, and then he’s falling, a strange sense of vertigo and heart beating rapidly in his chest. He doesn’t hit the ground. Sometimes it’s Cody who catches him, with a firm grip but warm eyes. Sometimes it’s Ashoka, tips of her canines visible as she smiles at him. Sometimes he just _stops,_ sudden and jerking and he wakes up covered in a cold sweat, the wind knocked out of him. 

Rex wonders whether General Skywalker knows. He’d bet no, given the whirlwind of emotions General himself is. Commander Tano, on the other hand, probably suspects. During his worse days, she keeps an eye on him, strikes up a conversation or leaves him sweet fruits when the sight of ration bars alone makes him nauseous. It warms his heart and makes his steps just a little bit lighter, a day a little bit easier to get through. He thinks of his brothers, their steady warmth and shared life, stories filled with both joy and remorse, and the next breath takes less effort. It’s still painful as if there are shards of glass in his chest, but it’s a small step forward. 

Only forwards. Never backwards. 


End file.
